Reflection

I'm struggling with how quickly Emma is growing up. Just yesterday she was a baby on my arm and now she's leading me around the world full of wonders, pre-teen shows, Barbie dolls, chapter books, and eye-rolls when I don't understand how wearing a specific t-shirt is a must when dressing up for Favourite Character Day at school and she's going as Gabriella from High School Musical.

 

In a week, my little girl is turning 6. To me, 6 is the age when you leave the baby and toddler years behind. This is the year she starts Grade 1 in the fall, the year she's most likely to ask and get her ears pierced (if she can get over the fact that it will hurt for a little tiny bit), the year when life starts to go beyond just the confines of her known life.

 

In the past three months, since the new school semester started, she's learned to tie her shoes, read books without pictures, eat with chopsticks, skate un-aided, get an incredible report card, draw without throwing her pencil (well, that might still occur on occasion). I'm watching her grow at such an incredible speed that I'm having a hard time keeping up.

 

She's so much like me in personality. She sleeps like me even! She hates mornings but could stay up until the cows come home in the morning, as long as she can lounge in bed, she's a happy camper. Speaking of Happy. When the Tim Horton's cashier says to her dad, "Wow, that kid sure is a happy kid!" you can't help but feel proud. It must be one of the biggest compliment parent can get about their child - how happy they seem and act. Disregard the glowing report card or the reading level she demonstrates, the fact that she's happy makes me feel like I've done the right thing by her.

 

Her mannerisms are mine. The way she talks with her hands, the way she interrupts to ask a second question before the first one is answered. The way she absolutely loves certain things but dislike others with equal passion. How she interacts with others and the compassion she feels towards her friends and when others are sad, she’s sad along with them.

 

The other day I was having a moment with missing my grandmother.  We were reading a book that Emma had received as a present some years ago. My beloved grandmother had gone out to the local Swedish bookstore and ordered an English version of a Swedish children’s book because I never taught Emma Swedish.  In the book was an inscription in my grandmother’s scraggly handwriting – To my Dearest Emma, love Great-Grandmother.

 

It made me cry to think of how much my grandmother loved me and Emma and how incredibly grateful I am for having all those wonderful memories of taking Emma to Sweden with me to see her when I had the chance. Emma dealt with my little breakdown like a veteran counselor, patting my arm, handing me a Kleenex and stating “Oh mom, it’s ok to miss your mom and grandma”.  It made me smile through my tears.

 

Turning 6 means she’s ready for so much more.  I have to be ready as well.  So here we go.  Wish us luck.  A new world awaits.

Be Present

A newfound friend of mine made me think of my blog.  Perhaps it is time to start writing again and considering the time of year, it is the time of my reflection period and consideration for the past, present and future. 

 

I will not reflect on where I've been lately.  It is far too much to touch pen to paper for (or fingers to keyboard in this age!).  Reflections are for me alone, in my head and in my meditative state.

 

I will say this.  New beginnings and new friendships have brought me much joy so far this year.  I am managing my grief with more ease than ever before in the past 14 years.  

 

I am valuing my moments of solitude and take comfort in the times I'm surrounded by friends and family. 

 

I experienced grief through another person's eyes recently.  It was an incredible moment to take part in something that wasn't my own grief but being able to support and comfort those that was affected by it.  The joyous memories were plenty but the ones that hurt where far more severe to make the good ones shine through at times.  What struck me as incredible was the massive amount of outpouring support for those left behind.  Where I come from, we go to funerals to show respect for the dead, not to support the living struggling with grief.  It made me realize that we as people, most often forget the amazing ability we have to comfort and support, just by being present. 

 

Be present.  In every day life, in waking moments even when you don't feel like being there.  Know that your presence is valued by others and that your actions, however small, play a significant role in someone's life, at this very moment.