Mormor

My grandma is gone.  My beautiful, wonderful, strong and amazing grandmother has left this life.  At 94, she was the most incredible person I have ever met and I can only hope to be a fraction of what she was as a person.

She never judged, she never failed, she never lost her dignity over anything.  She was and will always be in my eyes, a role model.

She accepted everything that came her way with a strong back, a good heart and a smile. Even after so many losses in life, she found peace in her home and in her heart.

I look at my life and I wonder if I could even try to come close to what she was.  It's funny how when people leave us we realize what they meant more so than ever before.  We always think, even when they are aging, that they will always be around.

In a way, she always will be.  In my heart, in my memories and now also in the wonderful things that fit in my suitcase as I travelled back to my home. 

Her passing has changed me.  I want different things in life now.  I want to grow and continue to strive for what she accomplished.  She may have been a very lonely woman in her old days, but she never ever gave up on anything or anyone. No matter what had happened in the past.  The past was just that, something you thought up but didn't dwell upon.

She was proud.  Sometimes to her detriment but never too proud to cry when she was overwhelmed by emotions.  She knew so much and yet so little.  With her we, those left behind, have lost a generation of knowledge.  These are the things I will regret always.  To not have spent days baking with her, gardening with her, cooking with her...but at the same time, I had the most wonderful childhood and grew up right next door to her and got to experience most of these things as a child. My memories and perhaps also my genes, will guide me forward.

Individuality

Perhaps this post should be under Emma's blog, but it's really more me that this is about.

Today, my little girl went to school with the most amazing outfit she had picked herself, with her hair all in clips in no particular order, sunglasses, jewellery from the dressup box and all in all looking what we all would most likely consider deshelved.

To her, looking at herself in the mirror, she was the most beautiful being on earth.  To me, she was and is the incredibly beautiful and wonderful girl in the entire universe.

So what's my issue?  I don't really have one per se. I have horrible visions of my girl being teased for the incredibly individual person she is.  I want to harbour her and keep her safe.  I want no one to tell her that she looks silly, or stupid or that she can't look like that because it's not "normal".  I want her to be who she is, always.

When I was young, I went through so many hard things at school and I never ever want her to experience it for a second.  I believe her to be strong and that she can hopefully stand her ground should anything come her way.

I told her that if anyone makes any comments that she doesn't like, to tell them that "this is who I am, I like who I am and I love my hair". 

I can only pray that she keeps her head up high and not become a worrywart like her mother. 

It's taken me so very long in life to get over what happened to me as a child in school. There are days that I still struggle with it and need to remind myself that it doesn't matter what others think of me. I'm stronger than that.

So Emma, if you ever read this, know that you are an incredible girl that can do anything you want in this world.

I love you with everything that I am and more.