Yesterday I once again experienced the purity of a child's mind. Where stories come to life and wild beasts roam freely and superheros saves the day, but also where life and death can be so cutthroat even without the superheros and villains.
Emma has known for a long time that my mother is no longer with us, that she died and is in heaven. I figured that one day she would ask some very distinct questions and I would hopefully be brave enough to answer them. That moment was yesterday.
It's funny though that the story begins with Superman.
"Mom, you had a bad dream about Superman when you were little like me, right?"
"I did, Superman swooped in to my bedroom and took me flying, away from my mom and dad."
"What happened then?"
"Well, I woke up and screamed for my mom who came and gave me a really big hug and a kiss and made it all better."
(Silence from the back of the car)
"What's your mom's name?"
"Britt"
"Britt isn't here anymore, is she?"
"No sweetie, my mommy died."
"She's in heaven, you told me that."
"She is, for sure she is. She's looking down on us and she's always with us."
"Do you miss her?"
"I miss her all the time sweetie pie."
(Sobs from the backseat)
"I miss her too mommy."
"You know what though Emma, she's up in heaven and she's making sure we're ok, every single day."
"She's with the stars?"
"She is a star."
"Can we look at her when we stop the car?"
"You mean, find the star in the sky that's my mom?"
"Yes"
"Of course we can. We'll say good night to her"
This is when my heart kind of constricted and my breathing stopped. I'd never really thought of how this would affect my little girl. How she would one day make the connection that daddy has a mommy and daddy, but where's mommy's mommy.
Emma was sad for a long time that evening. We spent the time in bed reading books but also looking at old photos of me and my mom, Auntie Karin, my dad and my grandmother.
Although Emma will never meet my mom, I know that my mom is always with her.
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