One step forward, two steps back...

Sometimes it feels like I'm taking one step forward, but then two steps back. As if life is one big game, a gamble and sometimes it tricks you in to thinking you're on a good path, but then you get pulled backwards and you're further behind than when you started. I wonder why life is like that? Is it to teach you a lesson, to make you go over your steps again, to retrace your path and make you aware of where you planted your feet so that you can make a more informed decision about where you are headed? Or is it because you yourself is afraid of what lies ahead and it seems safer to return to where you started, rather than take another unknown step towards something new?
I think for me, it's a bit of both. I am afraid of the unknown path that lies ahead of me and I feel safer taking a step back to the known and safe, but I also wonder if sometimes, the Universe is giving me a second chance to make sure I've made the right decision. 9 out of 10 times, I'm good. I know I've made the right one and I retrace my steps to get to where I went backwards instead of forward. Then I take a new step in to the unknown. I do feel that sometimes, when I'm thrown backwards, that my path takes me down a new road, one never before travelled and it is a better one. Regardless of how I get back to where I started from, I have to remember that I do get back. That I don't keep taking step after step backwards, but I move forward.

Breathing

It's rough to find yourself in a situation that calls for change, massive change. Here I am at 33 thinking I have what everyone should want in life. A good job, a house, a great husband and best friend, a daughter that makes me smile and fills my heart with joy...not in any particular order. Yet, I am not happy. I feel a sense of loss of personal sense. As if who I am, truly am, has been lost along my travels through the past decade and I have accepted the titles that people and society have placed upon me as a mother, wife, assistant, friend, collegue etc...but who is this Ida? Do I truly know? So, my quest has begun and with it I leave in my path confusion, anger, let downs but also new found courage, hope and longing. Weeding through my life's worth and my future crossroads, this will hopefully gain some insight to whom I really am, not what. I am breathing and so are those around me, I lean on them as they lean on me and in my most dark moments, they are my light and the paths I choose will have to be walked alone at times, and at others, I will need to be led by hand or sometimes even carried.