Life Paths

I am worried sometimes that I am a bit of schizophrenic. If you look up Schizophrenia in the dictionary, you’ll find the following definition

a state characterized by the coexistence of contradictory or incompatible elements.

If we should go by this definition alone, then yes, my actions/state of mind are sometimes those of a schizophrenic person.

For the past month(s) (I am just not sure for how long this has been going on exactly) I’ve been preaching to anyone who will listen that living in the moment is the only way to go. That looking back towards your past is a waste of time as it has already happened and you can’t do anything about it. Your past is your past - simple and non-negotiable.

And your future, well, it hasn’t even happened yet so why fret about it and make plans that you know you’re going to break or at the least alter because events just never happen the way you think they will. So don’t plan and you’ll be happier and less disappointed and frustrated.
So, live in the moment and enjoy the hour you’re currently in for what it is, not for what it could have been or could be.

It works well doesn’t it?

Yes, sure it does…try it!

Yet. If I am blatantly honest with myself…I don’t follow my own advice. And I never have. No matter how hard I try to stay in the moment, I find myself drawn to my past and looking forward to my future.

There’s that one scent of something that pulls me violently towards my past where I am reminded of other times shared with someone, or some place visited that meant something. Feelings are brought to the surface that should have been shelved a long time ago, filed away in the section of “do not open until after death”. They are dusted off in an instant and what I felt then, I feel now without stopping to consider the length of time that’s passed since that day so long ago. These moments (love that word…yes…I do) are dreaded moments, because they bring forth memories that were considered (by me only) to be forever locked away and not readily accessible. Time has passed, how can something be so strong after such a long time.

I hear a song and I am brought back decades (yes, I am old enough to go back decades and sound believable) to a time when things seemed simpler. But if I really look at those times, there’s nothing simple about them, they were terrible (or terribly good) times but all that has dissipated and what’s left seem extraordinary. And in a way that is extraordinary, it’s part of who I am now and I became this person I am today, because of all that stuff in my past. So this is where the schizophrenia sets in…I relive the past while I live in the moment…and look towards the future…

Future…it’s a scary word really. It’s so unknown, so grand and so vast. I fear it and I love it, at the same time…(another schizophrenic moment). There are plans for my future, some that I have set in motion, other plans are made by other people and are unknown to me at this point. Do I believe in fate and karma? Sometimes. Most definitely. I’ve been knocked off my feet by fate and karma and six degrees of separation theories…so I believe…what I like to believe…the rest I shrug off as coincidences…(yet, these are fate related aren’t they?).

I don’t really believe in planning for your future though. And by planning I mean, trying to know what’s going to happen a year from now, how you are going to feel a year from now about something or someone. Here’s hoping it doesn’t change from how I’m feeling now, but there’s always that chance that things will be different, at least somewhat…and I am not saying it will change for the worse…just that they will be different. Because they always seem to do. Even plans as soon as next week could change…flexibility is a necessity in life.

So, the meaning of this rant…that again, moments are great, but reliving parts of your past can also be great because it makes you remember where you came from, and what you have accomplished, or where you’ve been and it reminds you of who you are today…and the future is important and a bit of planning can’t hurt, but I still think that today is the best part of your life

Moments

"You're gonna miss this

You're gonna want this back

You're gonna wish these days

hadn't gone by so fast

These Are Some Good Times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now

But you're gonna miss this"

These are lyrics from a Trace Adkins song. I've always thought that the song was so cute, very adorable and I almost cried when I heard it the first time. I know, me, crying over a song...hah...well, that's not a shocker really. I cry over commercials at times. Some will shake their heads over the fact that I've just quoted a country song, others will not even know it was a country song and now laugh, because I admitted to it. It's the sentiment I am after.

There are moments in my life that I never want to end. I want moments to last a lifetime and in a way, some moments actually do last a lifetime because they are imprinted on my soul. Like the first time I held Emma in my arms. That's a moment that will never go away. Or when I was younger and went on my first Harley ride. That's another moment that will always be with me. Moments are so important. Moments make you feel alive and it makes your soul fly. It makes the every day grey not so boring, it makes those bills piled up on your desk seem less important and it makes you realize that life is wonderful after all.

One of life's lessons is probably to be less serious. To be a bit more alive, to not sweat the small stuff, to walk a little slower, to stop and just breathe.

Emma is growing up fast. She's taken a habit of coming in to bed with me in the mornings and everyone out there, and every book ever written about parenting would tell me that the only thing to do is walk her back to her bed and promptly put her back. Not to give in to the lazy way of just giving in and opening up the blankets for this little person wanting some mommy time.

WHY?? Why should I put this little person back in her bed? She's beautiful, she's warm, she makes my heart swell and she loves me. She takes up so little space and for the last hour of the morning before my alarm goes off, what better way to start my day? So she takes up some space, she'll get a bad habit...she won't do it forever. I am no fool. There will be moments when she's a teenager and she'll HATE me.

So, as my man Trace sings it..."You're gonna miss this..." and yes, I believe I will. I will therefor take every moment I can for a little extra snuggle, for a little extra time for a big hug and I will stop and breathe.

All Coloured In

For the past months I have rediscovered a lot of things about me. For example, my love for winter, how the sun warms you even when it's freezing cold and on a milder day, I can stay outside for hours, feeling the cool air on my face, walking for hours, or perhaps even sitting down on a bench and just soaking in the sun. I've rediscovered how much I seek and want quiet time and alone time. As a teenager and I suppose also as a younger child, I always found myself alone at times but was never bothered by it. Since I had Emma, I haven't allowed myself a lot of alone time. I now know how important it is for me and how much value I place in having some alone time. I need to be on my own now and then, to gather my thoughts, to find peace and comfort within me. Yes, it could perhaps sound a bit strange, but I know what I am striving for and what I truly want and it is to be whole.

It's difficult to know what it is that you want in your life, but little by little you figure it out and it is what you make of your experiences and your wants that makes you whole. I am getting closer.

A couple of months ago, a truly great friend introduced me to a whole world of music that I would never have found on my own. I have been exploring this massive world, song by song. I have experienced highs and lows by lyrics and melodies that have taken me on journeys I would never have travelled on my own. For all of this I am grateful and can't wait to experience more of that world.

It's amazing how much music affects me. It gives me wings when I need it, it takes me to greater heights and it supports me when I am falling. I love that something so "simple" can make you float or help you go through the worst times in your life. It can make you remember good times, moments in your life that meant something to you, it can take you back decades and plunk you right down in the middle of your teenage years. Great music can make you cry or smile until your cheeks hurt.

All Coloured In. I love that. I found it in a song by The National. The song itself has nothing to do with what I took with me after listening to it. To me "all coloured in" means complete. Not just lines, but coloured in and whole. That's how I've felt for the past month. A bit more complete, a bit more coloured in...

Mamma

I've started writing this so many times. I don't know how to begin, how to end or even what to fit in the middle. I want to write about my mom, how much she meant to me, what she stood for and what she still stands for to this day. She's been gone 10 years...

It's something I don't really think about. The days meld together and the years have passed. Yet, there is not a day that goes by when I don't wake up thinking of her, or go to sleep without sending her a thought. She enters my dreams and I see her in myself in almost everything I do. I look in the mirror and should I look too hastily, I see her, not me.

I don't always think I have the courage to write this, or the power to keep my tears at bay. I find it so amazing that I have gone ten years without my mother in my life to explain life's ins and outs. I look back at my life without her and wonder how I sometimes managed. I know the answer, because she was always with me.

She is with me when I walk through a crowd of people, she's with me when I sit on the sofa and knit, she's with me when I laugh and she's with me when I cry. She's there when I need her, but still...although I find so much peace in knowing and feeling that...it's not the same as if she was here with me, guiding me, laughing with me, or drying my tears.

I miss her so much that my heart aches and I don't have enough air in my lungs to breathe. I've never felt such pain and not known what to do with it. I wonder some times if I am still trying to figure it out. I think I am. It becomes very clear when I react to something without thinking, or when I throw myself to the wind and don't know where it will take me. These are the moments when I am positive that I am still grieving without knowing it. I wish she was here to tell me how to let go.

I am not sure I want to though. Letting go may mean forgetting and I am afraid of forgetting. I like remembering. I like thinking of baking with her in the kitchen, or spending hours hiking in the woods looking at plants and bugs. I like having thoughts of winter escapades with hot chocolate and cold fried egg sandwhiches with orange segments. Dyeing wool in a big vat, straw figurines, knitting, singing, playing piano, listening to boring classical music, driving in France and always giving the opposite directions, cooking...

It's funny, as I am thinking of the things that remind me of my mom, I am also reminded of how much alike we are, not just in looks, but in our likes and dislikes. She was always making sure everyone was taking care before she looked after herself. I think I have that in me, very much. She was always baking...I think I would if I had more time at home. She loved being outside, so do I and I had forgetting just how much, especially in the winter, until I had an opportunity to spend a few hours on snowshoes on a beautiful winters day with a very good friend. It was a bit of a rebirth. I found myself taken back to when I was only a little girl and the days we spent up in northern Sweden cross country skiing. I love winter and for years I have complained about why I would move from one cold wintery country to another when I could have moved somewhere warm and wonderful. I know why now, I know why in ever essence of my being...my mom is here. She's in the snow, she's in the wind, she's in the stars and she's guiding me and I wasn't sure I knew it...or allowed it in. I know now and I am sure I will never live where the snow doesn't fall, where the wind doesn't blow and whip your hair all about, or where the leaves don't change colour or where the tulips doesn't bloom. I know that, because I wouldn't be able to feel my mom.

I wrote my mom a poem for the memorial notice for the local paper in Sweden which will be out on Monday, February 9, 2009

10 years without you have passed

how were we able to last

nothing forgotten but often unseen

hidden in the heart's corner or in dreams reconvene

no day is like the other

as we walk through life without a mother

the love we have the loss we feel

will always be there to keep you real

10 år utan dig har gått

hur har vi ej förstått

Inget glömt men oftast gömt

i hjärtats vrå och i sömnen drömt

Ingen dag är lik den andra

när vi utan dig genom livet vandra

Vi älskar dig och saknaden förblir densamma,

Du vår underbara, fina Mamma